Heavyweight

As I walk back and forth to my classes, with a heavy heart and sad eyes. Most of the time I'm on the verge of crying and sometimes I’ve just finished crying and forcing myself to not reflect that. I can’t help but wonder how many of us do the same exact thing… I’ve realized that we’re all just lost souls wandering around with the world on our shoulders. Worrying about the burdens of our past, discomfort of the present, and anxiousness of our future. 

Three times in one day I was told that I walk around campus in an aloof way. As if my body is here in its physical state but my mind miles away. I laughed in response because sadly it’s true. I feel disconnected in so many ways. I feel misunderstood, by family, friends… myself. I struggle with one too many issues and illnesses. And though I know the cause of some, I don’t even know where to start with the rest. 

Some self medicate, others through legal ways and therapy, then there’s some of us that cling to our trauma. I get attached to people and use them as surrogates for the relationships I deeply crave. I use their love, friendship, and intimacy, as a crutch and life jacket. When they leave or hint at that, it gives way to the reality and root of my issue. I’m alone. That, I’ve come to understand, is by far my greatest fear that I actively suffer through. There’s no peace or comfort in that. I can be alone and enjoy my own company. In fact, I enjoy it a bit too much. But me being by myself goes beyond healthy extents. Me constantly being around others also extends itself beyond healthy measures. I get attached, possessive, and obsess over the smallest things. 

Living in constant fear that they’ll leave and I’ll end up alone. Withholding my pain to not distort the clear image they have of me. So that they won’t get overwhelmed and leave. Without my friends, would I still be here? I think that question is one of the most perplexing and consistent one of all that lingers in the back of my head. What’s worse is that I know the answer but I don’t think they’d like it so I’ll leave it be. That’s an awful amount of responsibility to place on someone. The life of another… I mean I get it, we tell others to rant at us. “I’d rather you talk to me for hours about your problems than to attend your funeral” I think it’s both bullshit and synonymous to “Hi, how are you?” They almost always expect an “I’m great” in response. They don’t really care how you are because if you should say “I’m not good, actually '' What will they do then?