Then as it is Now

Call You Tomorrow - Montell Fish

The lasting guilt that comes with outgrowing people is something we hardly talk about. This includes family, our parents and siblings. You’re at a point in time where you now know where the trauma and hurt truly stems from. Knowing who you now need to detach yourself from. To merely see notifications from them and your instinctual thought be a subtle plea for them to leave you alone. Sure enough, you don’t want them dead or gone, or to even be alone. Just in desperate need of a little silence. 

I think I’m going insane, slowly but surely, I’m losing my mind. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting better but I could also just be manic. Then the ultimate crash comes and I’m reminded of the reality of my situation. It’s all wrong and I don’t think it’s going how it’s supposed to. I’m blanking. I don’t know what to do anymore than to just… be. Even then I find it hard to exist. I’m exhausted and my mind is burnt out from working double shifts.

I think my time is near. It’s one of those epiphanic moments when you just know, almost immediately, that, this is it. I’m so checked out of reality. I rise with the sun, down with the moon. A cycle of extended euphoria then worn out days that follow suit. In the midst of my own chaos crying out. Searching for an anchor to ground myself in the depths of my own despair. I look to my friends for rescue... only for their responses to be flippant or passive. Of course, it’s because they don’t know the intensity or severity of my situation. I never told them. 

Paradoxically though, If they truly knew me, how could they not notice? If they knew, would it be the same response? Or would they rush to my rescue and inevitable end? Honestly, I think it would be the same. We’re all distracted with the scenes of our own lives. And until there is death, no one bats an eye, no one turns their head. That’s the unvarnished truth. I stopped seeking refuge and settled for escapism in smaller degrees. Rewatching shows I’ve seen countless times because the familiarity offers comfort. Listening to my favorite songs on a loop because the feeling I get is predictable. Self medicating and meditating because it feels better to not feel anything than to be in constant pain.

I get it though, I do. I’ve been dealing with this shit for 6 years now, give or take. In prior years I thought I knew, I thought I understood. But knowing what I do now, I didn’t know or understand anything at all back then. I truly wish for the days when I was inadvertently naive, ignorant to the root of my pain. Now, all I see, feel, hear, and breathe is rooted in pain. I’m drowning in past hurt and trauma. I wonder if then is when I’ll finally be able to breathe, the irony. But til then, life continues to gnaw at my soul as my mind rots away.