SoulFix

How unfortunate, yet an incredible gift it is to be a woman. To grow through changes as an innocent girl with big dreams into a young woman with big aspirations, stunted by life choices made as an unknowing, doe-eyed child. Funny how the weight of premature and ill-advised decisions can sit in the emptiness of our soul for years to come. The joke increasingly becomes funnier when you realize that regret is pointless, and so is the shame that lingers. The only way around it is to accept it and forgive. Forgive yourself for not being nurtured and loved in ways that would’ve set you apart. Forgive mom and dad for their parental failures that pushed you into the arms of life’s harshest lessons. Forgive yourself for not knowing — for not having foresight, discernment, or perspective. Forgive your younger self for stealing opportunities that older you would’ve enjoyed far more than she could have ever imagined. How heartbreaking it is to forgive when all you want is to attribute the blame ev...

In life, whenever we’re stuck in a predicament, we say that we’re at an impasse. In chess, stalemate, and in politics, we call it gridlock. Essentially, no side can advance in the situation. No one truly wins. Progress is frozen. The conflict isn’t merely interpersonal, but a conflict stemming from the fruits of our collective labor, a la programming and social structures, from political machinery, faith infiltration to presumed ideological divides. In politics, I’ve oscillated between faith and despair, disillusion even, and back and forth between allowing life to simply happen rather than steeling myself against the ongoing psychological and spiritual warfare. The latter takes great effort and bravery, which usually goes without praise, while the other grants us the illusion of social progress and acceptance, be it from self or our very many echo chambers. I find myself paralyzed by my curiosity with an ever-growing resentment and disbelief, not at the possibility of our Government(s...

I often find myself sewing thoughts together of memories and unsaid decrees  preserving everything we were by remembering all that you are trying to hide you in my art as I’ve hidden you in my heart  It seems as though I have the right of way  but it’s you — “you have bewitched me, body and soul” to which you’ve made whole and though I usually hate surprises this was a rather nice one a love hemmed up by friendship with steady hands, measuring time I’ve always wanted passion and precision but what I needed was true intimacy not the pressure of being a lover performing and impressing but a friend like none other, truly comforting and supporting me loving and learning me and for that I’m thankful to have fallen in love with a friend 

Let our hearts break ever so beautifully then patched up again and again and again Let us seek love desperately and to no avail Let us find love biannually and enjoy it for 2months at a time Let us hold close those memories to keep us warm until the next time Let us become callous and bitter its aftertaste lingering in our mouths all in the name of love

Righteous Indignation. I’ve heard it a few times from theologians and everyday people but I don’t see much of it anymore. I did a quick search on the internet and majority, if not all, have a negative connotation of what it means. Pema Chodron says “it’s very dangerous — the finger of righteous indignation pointing at someone who is identified as bad or wrong” as though that’s not the point of being spiritually angered on God’s behalf. Righteous indignation is essentially the internal discomfort when we see or hear someone insulting Christ or the gospel. It’s the inexplicable anger I get when I read or watch illustrations of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. It’s a feeling of displeasure when we see wrongdoing or sin. An anger that’s in alignment with God's moral standards for us, directed at things and people that contradict His will and commands. To exhort anyone who continues in sin with blasphemous disregard for our Creator is a bold but necessary act. In a ...

There’s something to be said about people who  have yet to receive Christ as our Lord and Savior Not especially, but specifically, men who remain separate from Him and for whatever seemingly valid reason Perhaps they just haven’t gotten around to it yet or they know deep in their soul as Ruach Elohim hums ever so quietly there always guiding us, leading us everlastingly Or maybe they struggle with authority and humility Lukewarm, like you and me whatever it is, on the opposite lies pride and ego A false sense of self and misplaced hope  in one’s ability and lack thereof I have a cyclical struggle  understanding man’s apprehension  because how else will you live righteously? how else will this relationship stay afloat if not Christocentrically? Aren’t we all just fools in love then? Loving creation and rejecting its creator attributing all to what’s His but not Him As one religious beggar and sinner to another desperately seeking redemption and bread I shamelessly and...

Bukowski says we're all just busying ourselves with the irrelevancies in life while waiting to die. He's not entirely right yet I don't entirely disagree. Are we all just waiting for death to come? Some giving up without bothering to play, others opt out before the game started, and others play the game, sometimes a bit too well. I truly believe that without direction or purpose, life becomes meaningless and aimless. Having an understanding that there's a life promised beyond ourselves and this world, is rather comforting and makes life worth living. Knowing that you're a conduit for all things that gives Him glory and that your name will be written in the Lambs Book of Life, is a rather comforting and grounding belief. Perhaps to Bukowski that's yet another ideology that keeps the mind busy before death comes. Well, he's dead now so I hope he got the clarity he needed while resting in Sheol. And perhaps I'll see him soon too, but in the meantime, I...

Aspire to be nail houses. When you begin to see things other people don’t or refuse to, you must become the nail house in the midst of change that’s presenting as “good” change… like a bookmark in your favorite novel, pause and internalize life in moderation. But pause nonetheless. Be pestiferous and firm and solus in your stance. Like the word of God that remains unchanging despite the world and hearts of many changing. Trust that the tides will turn again and that the pendulum will swing right once more. Have faith in the unknown, have faith in the Lord our God for Christ, and Christ alone, is King.

I moved to The United States of America, also known as “the land of the free”, around 7-10 years ago. I didn’t have a choice or much knowledge in me moving here and I definitely was not briefed on America which I think would’ve helped tremendously or at least soften the blow. I was mentally checked out the first two years that I was living here and more preoccupied with adapting and acclimating to a new country, dealing with family issues, and relearning myself than to be bothered with politics in a country I can’t vote in yet. Still, I was very involved with organizations at school as a distraction and an escape. I also had very little friends which meant few conversations with opposing views. I started to make friends and open up more, inconveniently, around the time COVID-19 was at its peak in 2020. Just around that same time I graduated high school in June and started college later that same month. George Floyd also passed that year which created a domino effect of global movements...

I stand before you naked wide eyed with open arms  I am at birth as I am now there I was pure and innocent here I am broken and bruised I come before you in your presence  with all my sins and insecurities my deepest desires and shallowest thoughts I beg for forgiveness  and with no fuss, I am forgiven I beg for strength, guidance, and protection  and with no debrief or deposit you offer me your son I am at birth as I am now  guided and protected, divinely and rightfully so Forgive me for I have sinned like no other Forgive me for I have lived double lives Rid me of the guilt and shame That’s attached to my name Cleanse my soul and purify me whole I no longer wish to hate  or to be consumed by anger Offer me to others  as a flawed vessel of grace  an embodiment of light and love But as I sit here in deafening silence  Staring into the empty abyss of nothingness Hearing the whispers of the rain and loud chatter in my head I realize this is an ...