My Shame, Unassigned

By Jodane Mowatt

How unfortunate, yet an incredible gift it is to be a woman.

To grow through changes as an innocent girl with big dreams into a young woman with big aspirations, stunted by life choices made as an unknowing, doe-eyed child.


Funny how the weight of premature and ill-advised decisions can sit in the emptiness of our soul for years to come. The joke increasingly becomes funnier when you realize that regret is pointless, and so is the shame that lingers.


The only way around it is to accept it and forgive.


Forgive yourself for not being nurtured and loved in ways that would’ve set you apart.


Forgive mom and dad for their parental failures that pushed you into the arms of life’s harshest lessons.


Forgive yourself for not knowing — for not having foresight, discernment, or perspective.


Forgive your younger self for stealing opportunities that older you would’ve enjoyed far more than she could have ever imagined.


How heartbreaking it is to forgive when all you want is to attribute the blame evenly, to have everyone take accountability for the consequences of my own actions.


I have mourned the innocence of my life, the lack thereof and the loss thereafter, and so now I’m just a young woman carrying the weight of her choices.


No one to assign blame to, no one to delegate my shame to, but relate to none other than the woman at the well, unworthy of speaking to Christ himself.


Maybe that’s why I routinely dodge His calling, hoping I can maybe escape Judgement too.


Certainly this will be yet another decision I’ll have to forgive my young, unknowing self for when the future and Judgement comes.

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